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My Recovery Journey to Ephesus – Part 1:7-10

2011-12-04T12:22:00.004-06:00

As I wrote before, recently, I was challenged to spend time in the Book of Ephesians. So, this time as I read through it, I thought I would keep a journal of sorts on My Recovery Journey to Ephesus

Eph 1:7-10
Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth.

Theology is a word we often shy away from. It is big and often represents thoughts that are beyond my understanding. A simple definition would be “the study of the nature of God,” or as one of professors in bible college put, “to think God’s thoughts after Him.” All that still sounds a bit much for me to handle I have to admit. But Theology is important, our personal theology, what we think about God, defines how we live our lives. And I have come to understand that there are two types of theology, there is the theology I say I believe, then there is what I call my “practical theology” this is the theology that is actually seen and lived out in my life. At first one thinks these are the same, but the longer I looked in the mirror I see there is a difference. For example I have for years told people that I believe that God loves me, however, that was a mask, the truth was that I really believed that God tolerated me and was waiting for me to blow it so He could “crack my skull,” how could He love a screw up like me was what I really thought. A lie that I bought into, one that surely effected how lived – my “practical theology.”

One of the lies I had bought into was the thinking that my salvation was an afterthought of God, that it was a “Plan B.” This was certainly nothing I was taught in church or Bible College, the source of this lie I am not completely sure of, most likely the father of lies himself, but my own insecurities and my own fears of failure seemed to perpetuate it. I wonder now how many years I read over these verse and either took them for granted, just never paid attention to them and/or let them slip by without any kind of impact on my life. It is clear from these verses my salvation was not a Plan B and when I stop and look at it logically the truth of that bears out.

If God is all knowing as I believe He is, if God created time and space as I believe He did, then that means He knew about me before I was created, that means that He exists outside of time and is able to see my life from beginning to end at once. In fact it means that He sees all of creation from beginning to end all at once. God is not contained in my linear timeline, He exist beyond it and interacts with it, but not contained by it. This being said, when He decided to speak creation into existence He was not surprised by the Fall of Adam, He knew it would happen. He fully knew that He would have to come to Earth in the form of a man, Jesus Christ, and sacrifice Himself for man to have the relationship with Him that He desired to have. Even before He spoke creation into existence, He knew Jesus would have to come and die. Jesus coming to earth as babe, His life, His death on the cross, His resurrection and eventually His second coming was the plan all along. It wasn’t as if God had to come up with a make shift plan because what He had desired was thwarted, no it was the plan all along!

What really excites me about these verses is when it says “we're a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free!” Abundantly free, abundantly free. This speaks against one of those lies I bought into, I had thought I had barely made it, “barely free,” but I am starting to understand that the grace and love of God is so big, so massive that being set free by God is not a “barely” thing, it is an abundant thing. His love, His grace, His mercy, His peace, His freedom is overflowing, more than enough, it is abundant. And to be honest I am not sure what that means. I know this though, it is not something I can measure, it is something I have to experience.

About two and half years ago, I was sitting at our CR Celebration Service and felt impressed by the Holy Spirit to just stop signing and sit quietly while all of those around me were worshipping. As I sat there meditating on God, I felt as if He was saying to me, “Tim, the God you are worshipping is not who I am.” I felt that what He was saying to me was that I have misunderstood His nature, that there are characteristics of who He is that I just do not know nor do I understand.

It is like standing on the beach and looking at the ocean, beautiful yes, amazing for sure, but by standing on the beach do I know the ocean? I certainly can see it and how big it is, I can hear it moving, I can taste a bit of it in the air and, if I allow myself, my toes might even know its temperature when I get close enough to let a wave touch them. But, do I know the ocean from just standing on the shore?

I may know “about” the ocean from what I can observe from the safety of the shore, but I don’t know the ocean and its power until get out into it and experience it, until my body feels the force of the swells and waves. I don’t know the ocean until the temperature surrounds all of my body not just my toes. From the shore I can know about the ocean, but until I get into it, I cannot “know” it. This is the challenge I felt God was saying to me two and half years ago, “Tim, get to know me. Get intimate with me. I am not who you think I am.”

So here is to learning how to body surf with God.

My Recovery Journey to Ephesus – Part 1:3-6

2011-12-04T12:10:00.006-06:00

As I wrote before, recently, I was challenged to spend time in the Book of Ephesians. So, this time as I read through it, I thought I would keep a journal of sorts on My Recovery Journey to Ephesus

Eph 1:3-6
“How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.”

I am sitting here reading these three verses stunned, awed, & humbled. Not even sure what I should write. I have no words that speak to what I feel inside. I want to break into singing but no song does it justice. This is one of those times that the Bible talks about when my spirit, my soul, my heart is groaning for me. I feel the yearning, the urging to bring God praise, yet my mind cannot find the words to express what is in my heart. More than thankfulness, more than gratitude, there is something else there that gives me pause, that brings me to tears. Lines from various worship songs flash through my head, none fit. How frustrating to not have the words, and yet, how marvelous to know something so much bigger than I can describe.
“Long before he laid the earth’s foundations, he had [me] in mind…” I read this and the thing that comes to my mind is that I am not important to God, but I am valuable to Him; we are not important to God, but we are valuable to Him. Meaning that He does not need us, but He wants us. He does not need me, but He wants me, “warts and all” as they say.

He was aware of my screw ups as He began the creation process. As He spoke and there was light, as created the heavens and the earth and all the living creatures and as breathed life into Adam, He knew then of what my screw ups would be. What kind of God is this, that will put together creation; that will provide for His creation a way of redemption while even knowing that the ones He does this for will fail Him, will screw up? What kind of God has me in mind when He does this? It is obvious that I am not important to Him; He does not need me to accomplish what He desires to accomplish. If He can work His will through Balaam’s donkey, then He surely can accomplish what He needs done without me. My skills and talents are not important to Him; I bring nothing of use to the table. YET!! He counts me as valuable?!

Who is this God that has no use for me, yet has decided that I was valuable to Him?
Who is this God that loved me before I even knew about Him?
Who is this God that wants to see me made whole, no matter what it cost Him?
Who is this God that by His love, now sees me as holy?
Who is this God that pursues after me?
Who is this God that takes my very failures and turns them for His good?
Who is this God, this Creator of all that there is, that would look through time and space and then set His affection on me?

It makes no sense!! And yet, I know that it is true, as surely as I breathe, I know it is true.

Stunned, awed, humbled.

My Recovery Journey to Ephesus – Part 1:1

2011-12-04T11:59:00.006-06:00

Recently, I was challenged to spend time in the Book of Ephesians. So, this time as I read through it, I thought I would keep a journal of sorts on My Recovery Journey to Ephesus. I will be using The Message version of the Bible unless otherwise noted, I do not intend this to be a commentary on the book, just some notes as to what God is teaching me.

Eph. 1:1
I, Paul, am under God's plan as an apostle, a special agent of Christ Jesus, writing to you faithful believers in Ephesus.

Since coming into recovery, I have started to notice, how,
Paul and the other writers of the Bible that God used introduced themselves.
In Celebrate Recovery, we introduce ourselves by saying something like: “I am a grateful believer, who struggles with ______, my name is _____.” Our introductions are important in recovery, they are not just things we say, but they have a purpose for us. They keep us out of denial about our hurts, habits and hang-ups. By speaking them out and exposing them to the light, the power they once had over us begins to break. We are only as “sick as our secrets” they say, so by my introducing myself with a statement of my struggle, is just another nail in the coffin of the thing(s) that have kept me in bondage for so many years. More importantly, our introductions also remind us of who and whose we are in Christ. Statements like, I am a “grateful believer” or “grateful follower” or “grateful disciple” all remind me of the fact that though I struggle, I have experienced God’s grace, though I struggle, I was chosen by Him before the creation of the world, though I struggle, I am love and accepted by the Father. My introduction in recovery keeps me humble, keeps me honest and keeps me reminded of the hope I now have in Jesus Christ my Higher Power.

So, in Paul’s introduction he states first that “I…am under God’s plan…” Years ago, prior to recovery, when I read Paul’s introductions I would always think, “Gee Paul, a little arrogant aren’t we?” I always thought he was a little full of himself. However, as I read this now, I don’t think that he is trying to brag, at least not in himself.
Prior to his “recovery,” Paul went after followers of Christ, he hunted them down, he had them killed. Like me, he had a dark past, a past he would like to forget, but cannot. However, Paul also understands that, through Christ, God has forgiven him for his acts. I now think that this introduction is not Paul bragging about himself or his station, but Paul submitting to God. I think if I were to hear him say this, I would hear humility in his voice. I now can actually see him with tears in his eyes as he writes these words.
I think my struggle with Paul’s introductions prior to my recovery is because of a religious spirit or, what might be called, having a “religious mind set” or attitude. The best expression of this mind set is what some have called a “holier than thou” attitude. Ironically, this attitude held sway over me for so long because of the secret sin that I had allowed into my life, my own guilt and shame kept feeding it. I see this in Paul’s life as well, prior to his recovery.
It is interesting to me, how the one writer I found so distasteful in the Bible prior to recovery, is the one I seem to find myself increasingly identifying with the most now. I would have never admitted that before recovery. Funny, how when I surrender my struggles to God, and allow Him to continually touch my life with His grace, my view of things changes. No not changes, but more of paradigm shifts really.
So, here is Paul, submitted to God’s plan to be “an apostle, a special agent of Jesus Christ.” I looked up the word apostle; it is an ancient Greek word, and it literally means “one who is sent away.” However, the word was used to describe someone who was sent away with a purpose, like an ambassador or emissary. Again this kind of language in the past used to cause me to think of Paul as bragging, but now, I hear him giving God glory. I hear saying, “Look, I was so messed up, but God has decided to love and use me anyway.” His introduction is not about how great of person Paul is, but it about how much grace God has. The truth is that what I once thought was arrogance, I know see as humility, because of recovery.
What does this mean to me? My struggle, my sin has often left me wondering, how or why would God ever consider loving me, let alone using me? The answer is simple for me, it is not about me; it is about Him, Jesus. My struggle and my sin is not the determining factor in God’s decision to love me. The determining factor, really the only factor, is that God just decided that is what He wanted to do. I really have nothing to do with it one-way or the other when it all comes down to it. In the end, my only part is whether or not I will accept the gift He is offering.

What God Is For?

2010-12-12T11:21:00.001-06:00

One of my accountability partners who is also one of those men that is a great a friend and a kindred spirit, has for the last several months has kept saying something every time we meet that I understood the truth of biblically and theologically, but I am not sure I have always lived out in a practical way in how I have viewed God.

My friend’s statement, his declaration really, is that “God is for me.” He said it again yesterday morning as we met. Yet, while I have always understood this in principle even from a biblical and theological place, yesterday morning it was as if I felt the Holy Spirit tap me on the shoulder and say, “Listen up, can you make the same declaration with the same conviction?” and as I looked inside, I have to admit, I found myself wanting.

So the last 24 hours for me I have thought about this question, “What is God for?”

The place to start I would guess would be the bible…

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? -Rom 8:31-33, The Message

Okay, when I stop and really look at what this is saying and the logic of it, how could I ever doubt that God is ever for me? Think about it, if He didn’t even blink when it came to given His only Son for me, why would I doubt that He would be for me in any other circumstance? Ah, there is my struggle right there!! I have bought into some bad theology. Amazing how the truth of scripture can point out the dark spots so quickly if I will allow it to shine into my life.

So what is the bad theology I have bought into? Well, yes, I believed that Christ died for my sins, and I have accepted Him as my Savior. So it is not in my salvation that is the worry, but in my view of God the Father and thus the struggle of entering into the “abundant life” or being a part of the vine, or how I am grafted into the tree is where I have missed it. The lie that I have allowed myself to believe for so many years is, “You may be a follower of Christ, but you are such crappy Christian that there is no way the Father could be very happy with you.” This lie comes in part from the society that we live in and part from a secret sin that I allowed myself to be so tied into for 20+ years that I felt like I had to earn the Father’s love for me. Because of this, the understanding of an unconditional love from the Father seems as foreign to me as trying to breathe air while underwater. At times I just cannot grasp it, I see it, and I know it is there, but it does feel like trying to grasp smoke at times.

So back to the scripture, looking at this thing logically, God is on my side. What does that mean?

That means He is for me with my struggle with sin.
That means He is for me in regards to my marriage.
That means He is for me in regards to me being a good father.
That means He is for me to be a good co-worker.
That means He is for me in my relationship with my family.
That means He is for me in my finances.
That means He is for me in ministry
That means He is for me in having a right attitude
That means He is for me in making right choices
That means He is for me in my recovery.

For me to REALLY start thinking this way is going to be some mind transforming stuff. I mean, normally I don’t see the Father for me in these areas. You see my normal mode seems to operate in such a way that He is just ready to put the “smack-down” on me if I screw-up, that He is just waiting for me to make a mistake to jump all over me, to point it out for all to see how I blew it. “Look here everyone!!! Tim screwed up again! I knew he would do it. Didn’t you?? See, what a shame, he just can’t cut it, such a shame, such a waste.”

However, in light of Romans Chapter 8, that does not sound like the Father I am reading about. Talk about your Stickin Thinkin!! There it is!! There is only one way to counter-act lies and that is with the truth. The place to start is with the truth that the Bible points out about the Father. As I read scripture, I have been trying to ask this question, “Father, what is this scripture saying about how You see me?” I know that may sound a little self-centered and even egotistical but I need to some ammunition. They say for that every lie that you heard, that you have to hear the truth nine times to counter-act it. How many times have I heard lies either spoken by the enemy or repeated by myself? Thousands, no more like tens of thousands of times I would guess over the years. Thus transforming my mind may take some time, so I need all of the truth I can get, and if it is a 9 to 1 ratio, then I am guessing I need at least 90,000!!

I might as well get started on it today. I realized something, I started off asking, “What is God for?” you know what? That is the wrong question, I should be asking, “Who is God for?” The answer: God is for ME! This is my declaration!! psstt – in case you hadn’t guessed He is for YOU TOO!!! Doubt it? Try this, put your name into Romans 8:31-33 as I have (see below), spend the next week reading it yourself this way, I plan on it, I bet it will make a difference. You know the next time that ‘ole lie peddler’ comes around in my life I think I will stick this in his face and tell him to “suck it!!”…God is me, God is for us!!

So, what do you think? With God on Tim’s side like this, how can Tim lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for Tim, embracing Tim’s condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for Tim? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen, Tim? -Rom 8:31-33, The Message

LEARNING TO WALK UNAWARE

2010-08-10T22:17:00.002-05:00

In 2004 the group MercyMe came out with a CD called “Undone” and as I began my recovery in 2006, I remember finding how many of the songs on that CD seemed to speak to right where I was at, and surprisingly – they still speak today. For some time I have wanted to walk through and put down on paper my thoughts of some of these songs that have meant so much to me. The first is called “Unaware.” Would you walk with me through this song?

Unaware
by MercyMe

Forgive me if I stare
But I am taken back
That You would let me here
Regardless of my past
Oh my hands are shaking now
But I catch my breathe somehow
Oh, I am free at last

Principle One states “Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.” When the truth of that principle in a person’s life becomes clear or becomes truth, it has an “awe-ing” ability (if I may coin the word). It is no wonder that in a Celebrate Recovery meeting often I see this same expression on folks faces, this “stare” that in realizing that God, the Creator of all that is known, the one that knows me better than I know myself has invited me as I am to His presence. “Forgive me if I stare”

Recently I gave my testimony and I was once again reminded of the place of sin I was in before I came into recovery. While recognizing and giving God glory for the Work that Christ has done in my life, I am also dumbstruck in knowing the depravity of my past and then seeing my present condition in Christ and then knowing my future with Christ – I can hear myself say “…I am taken back that You would let me here regardless of my past.”

Reading the words of my testimony out loud again and finding my voice breaking again at the thought of the gift of incredible and wondrous and immeasurable grace given to me, not earned, not taken, but GIVEN by this Creator God of ours, then there is the moment when I realize what this means! I AM FREE!!!

(chorus)
Unaware of my fears
Unaware of my shame
Nothing else matters here
But glorifying Your name
Unaware of everything
Knowing You're aware of me

Understanding my freedom begins to remove the fear and destroys the condemnation and shame that had kept me bound to my sin. So much so that where they once dominated my thoughts and behaviors; they now no longer hold sway over me and even more importantly, no longer hold me captive. “Unaware of my fear…of my shame”

Replacing condemnation, fear and shame are expressions of praise, worship and adoration, knowing that this Creator King of mine is keenly interested in the details of my life. “…glorifying Your name…knowing You’re aware of me.”

Tell me how I got here
I couldn't make it on my own
Just tell me I can stay
Cause it feels so much like home
And I lose all track of time
When I look into Your eyes
Your love is all I know

Principle Two reads “Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.” There is that moment in recovery when the pain overcomes the fear. When I see Who it is that has the power to get me through the mess I have made of my life. That I become aware that there is only One that can make me right, healthy and whole again. That only in Christ will my broken heart be bound, that I will be set free: “I couldn’t make it on my own.”

As the understanding that there can be healing, that I can only be set right by Christ, I see where it is I belong, and the longing and desire to be there is like is like that of a weary traveler of many years desiring to be home. “It feels so much like home.”

As I look to Christ in this moment I see that in His eyes I have value, a value that drove Him to spread His arms wide and pay a price that only He could be so that I can find Home, the place I was created for. The value I have in His eyes has nothing to do with my abilities to be “made right” on my own, but the value I have in His eyes is by His choice and His choice alone. I can add nothing to it nor can I take anything away from it. “There is no condemnation for those who belong in Christ,” Paul tells us. “When I look into Your eyes Your love is all I see”

Unaware of my fears
Unaware of my shame
Nothing else matters here
But glorifying Your name
Unaware of everything
Knowing You're aware of me

I'm aware I'm in a place I couldn't be
If You weren't there to call my name and rescue me

Principle three states “Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.” While I may surrender my life to Christ, I cannot even do that without His strength. My weakness is such that without His drawing me to Himself, His calling of my name I could never find my way to Him on my own.

Unaware of my fears
Unaware of my shame
Nothing else matters here
But glorifying Your name

I'm unaware of all my fears
And I'm unaware of all my shame
Nothing else matters here
But glorifying Your name

I'm unaware that I still breathe
Unaware of everything
Knowing You're aware of me

For me the recovery journey is moving from a place where I am the center of everything, to a place where I will be “unaware” of everything, even my own breath and becoming only aware of Christ and His working in my life. “I am unaware that I still breathe”

At first this would seem to give me only a very narrow or introspective view of life. Yet, God’s ways are not our ways. As I look into the eyes of Christ, as I see and understand the value I hold in His heart, I find as I become “unaware” of what I thought was important, I find that now am becoming more aware of what Christ finds important. So I find I am driven to see that those around me also know His hope and freedom; to see that they become “unaware.”

My role in God's Glory

2008-09-21T07:40:00.022-05:00

Oswald Chambers wrote...

The first thing that happens after we recognize our election by God in Christ Jesus is the destruction of our preconceived ideas, our narrow-minded thinking, and all of our other allegiances— we are turned solely into servants of God’s own purpose. The entire human race was created to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. Sin has diverted the human race onto another course, but it has not altered God’s purpose to the slightest degree. And when we are born again we are brought into the realization of God’s great purpose for the human race, namely, that He created us for Himself. This realization of our election by God is the most joyful on earth, and we must learn to rely on this tremendous creative purpose of God. The first thing God will do is force the interests of the whole world through the channel of our hearts. The love of God, and even His very nature, is introduced into us. And we see the nature of Almighty God purely focused in
John 3:16 — "For God so loved the world. . . ."
We must continually keep our soul open to the fact of God’s creative purpose, and never confuse or cloud it with our own intentions. If we do, God will have to force our intentions aside no matter how much it may hurt. A missionary is created for the purpose of being God’s servant, one in whom God is glorified. Once we realize that it is through the salvation of Jesus Christ that we are made perfectly fit for the purpose of God, we will understand why Jesus Christ is so strict and relentless in His demands. He demands absolute righteousness from His servants, because He has put into them the very nature of God.
Beware lest you forget God’s purpose for your life.
-from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers

It is pretty arrogant of me to think that I could add anything of any kind of substance to what was said already by Mr. Chambers, but I will try anyway.

As I read through this writing this morning I was struck by the thought that I do not always see my relationship with God in this light - that I exist to bring Him glory. I will say in the last few years this concept has been more on my mind than previous years, but it is still not a prevailing thought when I consider my salvation or my life in Christ.

With that being said, the moments that I have been able to have a frame of mine that have brought a sense of this realization is, as Chambers put it, "the most joyful on earth." In those moments there is an understanding of my standing with God, I hear Him saying to me, "You are my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased." The joy, peace and contentment that this brings to my spirit, heart and mind is indescribable. The unfortunate truth is that I cannot seem to stay in the moment of that realization. There is an element of unbelief and/or pride that seems to creep back in telling me that the Creator of the Universe couldn't possibly esteem me so much.

Could it be true that the Father wants to include me in His plan for Him to be glorified and could He want me to enjoy Him? If I take the time in my devotional reading to notice what He says about what He thinks of me and my role in His Kingdom, then the answer has to be YES! There has been a fear in me that to even think that God would desire me so much would produce a level of pride in me, but I have found the opposite is true, it seems to bring me to level of humility. In fact it is when I think that He couldn't possibly esteem so much that I end up prideful and seem to move in a spirit of self-righteousness. That seems backwards to my way of thinking, yet the economy of God's Kingdom always seems to work backwards of my own logic.

I welcome your thoughts.

Yieding & An Unconcious Influence

2008-08-23T12:03:00.003-05:00

I have been making it a habit to read from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers each morning and I have never found this to be a bad use of the 10 minutes that it takes to do so. Usually what is read I tend to ponder most of that day. So from time to time you may find that I refer to something that I have read, such is the case today. Actually it is something that I read a few days ago, but it has stuck with me.

Chambers wrote:

"The preaching of today tends to point out a person’s strength of will or the beauty of his character— things that are easily noticed. The statement we so often hear, "Make a decision for Jesus Christ," places the emphasis on something our Lord never trusted. He never asks us to decide for Him, but to yield to Him— something very different. At the foundation of Jesus Christ’s kingdom is the genuine loveliness of those who are commonplace. I am truly blessed in my poverty. If I have no strength of will and a nature without worth or excellence, then Jesus says to me, "Blessed are you, because it is through your poverty that you can enter My kingdom." I cannot enter His kingdom by virtue of my goodness— I can only enter it as an absolute pauper.

The true character of the loveliness that speaks for God is always unnoticed by the one possessing that quality. Conscious influence is prideful and unchristian. If I wonder if I am being of any use to God, I instantly lose the beauty and the freshness of the touch of the Lord. "He who believes in Me . . . out of his heart will flow rivers of living water" ( John 7:38 ). And if I examine the outflow, I lose the touch of the Lord."

Two things caught me as I read this, first when Chambers wrote -"He never asks us to decide for Him, but to yield to Him— something very different." This is a very different thought, I am not sure I have looked at it that way before. So it is not about the choice I make, hmmmm this does seem to fly in the face of my Free American Independent Evangelical side.

So it is not about what I choose, instead it is about who I yield to or even who has control, because that is what yielding does, it gives up control. Wow, do I like that? I don't know? I like control it makes me feel like...like...well, like I am in control, I have power, I am in charge. That sounds familiar deoesn't it? In fact that is starting to sound like the problem that Adam and Eve had in the Garden...maybe I should rethink this.

The second thing he wrote that caught me was when he stated, "if I examine the outflow, I lose the touch of the Lord." For me this hits me at the place of my motivations. If I am busy looking at the outflow in my life, then I have missed the whole point. It is not about what comes out of my life, but about the character change the Christ causes to happen as I yield to Him. The moment I begin to notice my value to the Kingdom, I have just stepped out of the character development He has been causing in my life.

I am reminded of the influence that two brothers had on my life in the days before I became a follower of Christ and they never knew. I knew about both of their faiths, they weren't perfect and I hadn't set them on some kind of pedistal in my life, but as the time came for me to consider following Jesus or not, I looked to them as examples of what kind of character work Christ could do in my life. And neither knew what they had done for me in those days before Jesus. In fact one died before I even became a follower. I am so grateful for a lives lived for Him, unassuming and unpretentious, they had an unconcious influence on me. I surely hope one day I can do the same.

What's Up With the Title??

2008-08-16T15:33:00.009-05:00

So I was informed (by my wife) that I needed to explain the title of my blog, "Blogging for Cobbler." Well, it is quite simple; I really like cobbler, it is a great dessert. In fact I like it so much that I wrote wrote a poem about it - enjoy while I go look for some cobbler.








Oh Cobbler Where Art Thou?

Walking in the house, the smell fills the air,
I instantly forget about that day’s urgent care.
I find myself drawn to the kitchen door;
The aroma is stronger now than it was before.

My eyes search for the object of my quest,
There on the counter in its cooling rest.
Grabbing bowl and spoon I make my way there,
Hoping no one is around so I won't have to share.

I fill my bowl up to the top
Sadden that its volume limit made me have to stop.
Sinking my spoon in and to my mouth it does turn,
OH CRAP! It is so hot, my tongue it did burn.

Continuing to eat and muffling my screams,
Knowing that my mouth will heal with the help of ice cream
The crust so flakey, the fruit so sweet,
Knowing I am blessed to have such a treat.

My bowl nearly empty now my mind begins to plan,
How I can sneak away and eat the whole pan.
Just then I noticed that I have been seen,
Blowing my plan to get away clean.

Two smiling faces with bowls in their hand,
Each of them wanting some of this cobbler so grand.
Reluctantly I surrender some of this great dessert,
Knowing if my wife catches us, my body she will hurt.

When we finish we wash bowl, face and hands so clean
In hopes that our sin has not been seen.
I smile as we leave without worry or doubt,
Because I will be back for the rest, when the lights go out.

The Size of Faith

2008-08-12T15:55:00.000-05:00

Jesus said that, "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matt 17:20). If that is the case then I have to admit there are times when my faith must only be able to be seen at the atomic level because it is so small.

This became very clear to me about six months ago. At that time my wife, Kim, and I had been looking into the housing market to try and buy a home. At the same time, I was out of work and looking for a job. I know, I know, it is absolutely crazy to think that we might even qualify for a mortgage when I am not working, and yet somehow we did! So with the help of our Realtor, we were able to find a home that fit our budget and our needs. In fact we were even allowed to move into the home before a mortgage closed.

I remember the day when we decided to move forward on all this. It was very surreal to me, but it hit me, what if we can't close the mortgage, where would we live, I don't have a job - what would we do? And for the first time in my life I had a panic attack. I couldn't breath, I could talk, my heart was racing and I was scared. All could do was sit in my chair in the living room. Meanwhile Kim was beginning the packing process and was busy while all I could do was sit, frozen. The size of my faith at that moment was truly at the subatomic level and I couldn't have moved a feather, let alone a mountain.

After awhile I was able to calm myself down enough to help Kim, but I was still not doing to well. After we had moved in and were waiting for the mortgage to close, I got a call for an interview and then a a day or two later a call for what I thought was a follow up interview. As I drove to the second interview, I decided to follow my wife's example and "Let go and let God." I turned up the local worship station on the radio and sang as loud as I could. I am sure I was a site to behold to my fellow drivers that day. Then a thought hit me, out of no where, I turned down the radio and said, "God You wouldn't give me job on the same day You would have the mortgage close on the house would You?" I laughed, and said "Of course You would, that is just like Your sense of humor in my life!" I then began to laugh out loud. Again, I am sure my fellow motorists thought I was a site.

When I got the second interview, my interviewer was a little late, but soon he showed up and when got settled down in our seats, he said, "Tim we would like to make you a job offer." The smile on my face was hard to keep in control. We went through all the particulars and when I got back to the car I called Kim. I said, "I got good news, I got a job!" She said, "I got good news, the house closed!" I then quizzed her about the time when she found out and it turned out she got the call on the closing at the same time I was getting the job offer.

I sat there for a minute or two after we hung up and thought, "God, You didn't need me at all to do this, did You?" and in that moment I thought I heard Him smile. I thought back through the previous seven months that I spent looking for work and the adventure that we had in buying a home and realized two unmistakable truths about God deeper than I ever had before: 1) God is faithful even when I am without faith and 2) He doesn't need me, but He has chosen to include me in His plans.

So now I am sitting here thinking that if these two things are true about God, then the size of our faith is not as big as deal as I thought it was, in fact I think that is what Jesus was really saying in Matthew 17. It is not the size of my faith that matters, it is the God in whom I place that faith in that matters. If that is true, then that changes everything!